I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
