"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
