Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
