Plan B is the new Plan A
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
