I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
