so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
