I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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