I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
