The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
