Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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