i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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