Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I think my moral compass just broke
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
