Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
