You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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