My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
