i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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