It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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