Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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