I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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