I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
