Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
