I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
