Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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