No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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