I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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