i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
