96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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