was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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