The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
where does the pee come out of this thing
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
