I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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