I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
