You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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