I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
