Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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