Nicole vs. Life
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
