He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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