Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
