I need to stop coming to work sober
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
