I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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