he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
