so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
