When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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