i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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