So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
