I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Small penises have feelings too.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
