Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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