It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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