So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
