hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
