I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
