Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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