My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
pray to the hookup gods
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
