how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
