Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
