Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
