carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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