why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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