two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
