Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
